Last night I had a dream
You attacked me
You were drunk & it was in public. No one did a damn
thing.
I was at work- serving tables. Rushing around; All my tables cared about was that "it" interfered with their service. Why couldn’t I get them their drinks quicker?
You came in with a suit on, looking a mess in your drunken state. You walked up
to some colleges. They laughed at your drunkenness. You laughed at your
drunkenness. You laughed at the sight of me. You saw “opportunity.” You took
it. You pounced on me, pretending you tripped, knocked me over and lay on top
of me… Strongly. You laughed. I laughed in fear. I winced when you held me
down. I looked around, wanting to cry, wanting to yell for someone, but knowing
no one cared. Knowing people would somehow see it as my fault. I looked back up
at you- over top of me laughing while you held me down. Looking at me
pretending to care, knowing you could have me by overpowering me and
simultaneously making me feel stupid and pitiful. I tried to roll out from
under your power. You said “ohhh, don’t be silly, you know you like this.”
Familiar words. Familiar fear. Familiar humiliation.
I can’t remember how I got up- but I did. I looked around
trying to fix my hair and my messed up clothes. You strutted back to your
table- only a few feet away from where you held me on the ground. My heart
raced. I felt like an idiot. How did I get close enough to you for you to take
me down again? Why did everyone ignore it?
Now I have to catch up. Now I am behind. Now I have to work
double to get close to where I should be. Now I am angry. I am embarrassed and
hurt. Now I see things differently. Now touch is different and I feel double
the shame. Now I feel like people look at me different. Now I look at people
differently. Am I even more
objectified now? Did other men see and now I am different in their eyes? Am I
easy to knock down?
I had trusted you a long, long time ago. That went quickly.
You ruined it quickly. You assisted in ruining my perception of men. You
literally haunted my dream and attacked me- even in my subconscious…. You now
even steal peace from me as I sleep. You ass.
4/26/12
