I believe this may be the only time when a blank page is truly intimidating. When I am so infuriated with the words I cannot find to even properly articulate the way I feel. I misplace my anger towards this page. Pecking hard at the keys. Unfulfilled and unsatisfied with my pecking. I have to get it out of me. I feel as if "it" is strangling me. Cold long dark fingers lurk around my neck. Threatening. Silencing. Tightening. How do I loosen the grasp? How do I not empower "it?"
*avoidance* & *failure*
Avoiding the mirror. Damn piece of glass. Head hung in shame. Walking around; defeated. The word failure haunts me. Merely typing the words pierces me. Another jab. Failure covers a multitude of areas for me; all encompassing. I am specifically fixated on one particular "failure." It haunts my every waking moment. It eats away at "normalcy." It conquers happiness and even simple content.
Poison to my soul, heart, mind and body. It's the enemy right? Destruction at its finest.... "Girl Slowly Destroys Herself" I don't want that as my headline. I have let this self-defeatist attitude and thought process RULE ME. It hinders school, soccer, my health, my willingness to step out and try new things. I am so terrified of failure that I avoid... Avoid a multitude of "things." If I just don't put myself out there and and 'try' then it's not only not "scary," but there is no "failing" (this is also cowardice and stupid- for lack of a better word).. And failure following giving an earnest effort... Now that is a reflection of self right? Perhaps not, but that's how my distorted mind processes and internalizes.
*flaws*
Fixated on every flaw. At any given moment I can spit out an abundance of flaws. Physical flaws are the easiest. The rest flow and reciprocate with no effort. It's cyclical and seemingly hopeless. Ahh, the thought of myself at times makes my stomach churn. I can go head to toe. Frizzy hair. Wide set nose, round face, dark unfading circles that can let you into too much of my life. Lack of an upper lip. Random achene that has appeared later in life. Thick eyebrows that need much attention to stay in shape. Arms.. My arms. Thick and big like a man. Lack of chest. No curve to my stomach, straight. A lower bulge, a tire. It fluctuates on a daily basis. A butt that could use some help. Legs with calves that are almost as big as my thick thighs. Ugly ass feet. Long toes. I AM EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!! Any reader is exhausted. Any person around me is exhausted with my self-hate. Even if I don't say it, they sense it, feel it. I hate being this way. What a selfish girl I am. I screamed so hard my lungs hurt yesterday. I needed to write immediately. But instead I prayed. Crying, gasping for air. I want God to take it! The pain. I felt it all as though every ounce of self-hate, guilt, and ugliness overtook me, sided together and began to devour me.
*tools*
Everything I have learned in treatment, every tool, every step I have overcome... It fades in times like this. "Whenever you look in the mirror do not start at your stomach and stay there. Start by looking at your pretty hair and into your eyes, then see the overall picture." How many times have I failed to "see the big picture"? Or better yet, ignored the big picture. I know these "tools" all too well. These tools help me get by. But ironically do not help the "big picture." I have found myself retreating. Reverting back to what I know. Oh, why is self-destruction so easy?
Do you know what it feels like to be so discontent with yourself you avoid your own existence? I honestly do not understand the source of this.
*envy*
Envy... The epitome of my thoughts. Beauty is not something to behold for me... It is something to project anger on. It is the bane of content. It is the hindrance of my happy. I can find something in almost anyone to envy, with little to no effort. I hate -HATE- for anyone to be better than me at something, to look better than me in anyway. It is disgusting. If I see her, in her seeming perfect, I get sick. Sometimes I can feel my head spin. Face red with anger and embarrassment. I wanna get closer, but I don't want to get too close; diverting and forbidding the unfavorable comparison. Literally or figuratively standing up to my competition- It parades my flaws, my almosts, my lacks of, my shortcomings, my failures, my not good enoughs.... Once again, disgusting. Someone once told me that looking at someone beautiful and angrily envying them is like stealing from someone's beauty. Instead of being hateful toward them and yearning for what they have, appreciate something beautiful God made... Hmm, sounds nice. Makes the guilt heavier. Or when people say, "You are so blessed! You complain about your arms, at least you can use them!" I know I am blessed, thankful, and appreciative. I am actually well aware of the many many undeserving blessings God has bestowed on me. -Narcissistic-? Self absorption-? Yep. I know this too. All the more disgusting, huh? It is purely indescribable, like a literal weighted burden I carry around on me. Dwelling in my depths and constantly hovering. Sitting heavily on my shoulders and poison in my lungs. Sometimes it is hard to breathe. I desperately want confidence. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, literally. I want to feel my own skin without shuttering. I want to take a shower with the lights on. I want to look into the mirror. Right at myself, without cowering, frowning, or crying, but nod in approval... Or have NO thoughts at all! I want to breathe deeper and not have "it" sitting on my chest; those arms and fingers stretched and strangling. Sighhh, but right now, I cannot look at a girl with a small waist and not yearn for it. I hate, despise, disgust when I am not the prettiest, the best at something. Ah, again, disgusting.
A mere compliment seems like a lie; a mocking lie, that laughs at me. The laughter echoes.
No Conclusion....
There is no conclusion I can write... Nothing except I am going to keep pushing forward with this. What a NEGATIVE blog. Now I have the poison somewhat articulated on paper... Now what? I guess we shall see. This subject will definitely not go untouched. Hoping for a positive turn...
-The Cynic
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