So Little With Should-Be Innocent Eyes

As I watch their should-be innocent eyes dart and focus with brows intently narrowed and flexed; anger flows from them. Unspoken. But known.
Sometimes tears.
Sometimes tantrums.
Sometimes silence.

When mixed with the other kids, "church kids," we stand out. Either you pick on us or don't pick us. We don't have guitars for guitar lessons. We don't always have new clothes or shoes. We don't always do our homework.
We don't always come with sound minds. We don't always bring healed or whole hearts.
We are kids. Just like they are. We have stories too. Ours- may break your heart. Our eyes- reach into your soul and question your very presence on this earth. Our eyes convey our story, but don't let you into it. Our eyes tell you we are on guard; we are watching you.
You tell us Jesus loves us. But don't tell me where or how to find Him. You tell us He's always there. But I don't always feel Him... when I watch my mom cry and she's unable to get herself off the couch. I don't feel Him when I need my dad and he's not there. I don't feel Him when I'm always getting in trouble at school or blamed for things I didn't do.
I'm reaching out to you, even though you can't see it. I need you to show me.



Babies, my kidos, my loves,
You hold so much of my heart that I'm not even sure I can applicably find words to explain it. Your deep eyes are so hurt, yet eager. I want to hold you, love you until you don't feel an ounce of pain anymore. But I can't do that. You need a healing greater than me. When your beautiful, indescribable eyes are troubled and fill with tears, a torment renders itself in my heart. I want you to share your story. I want to take that story and extract all the good out of it; conveying your positive future and provide hope by explaining all your potential. I want to crumble all the aching pain and sorrow and confusion and unspeakable hurt and anger and discontent and unfulfillment. I want to crumble it. Shred it. Burn it. I want to adequately show you "the big picture" and for you to understand.
I want you to feel my love without questioning it. I want positive relationships for you now and forever.
I want to protect you.
I could stare at you for hours. Big eyes. Small hands. Infectious laugh. You are so special. Unique. Have so much to offer those around you- even now. Even as a kid.



General population... : Do you understand what this is? What this feels like. What they feel like? What I feel like? Can you grasp it? Can you claim it? Is it tangible to you? DO YOU WANT IT TO BE?

When I talk about it. When I write about it. When my thoughts merely touch on it. When I'm there. When I'm not there. When I picture their faces.... I feel an overwhelming amount of emotions and reactions. Pain, hope, love, hurt, anger, peace, serenity, discontent, awfulness, joy, laughter, eagerness, excitement, confusion, questioning, reflection of self, reflection of the world, reflection in general, prayer, seeking, crying- lots of crying and smiling. Questioning what "should be" and what "could be"... Questioning the mere definition of words, ...what is "pain" really? Questioning.... the mere definition of my life.
The list goes on....
There isn't enough tangibleness to adequately explain this as tangible.