There is nothing clever about this blog. No underlying meaning. No insightful parallels. No beautiful flow-etry of words... Just....
Oh no.
I'm avoiding school again. This time I am yearning to relish in my... happiness, joy, content, love. I want to just FEEL. I have shoved and stuffed feelings. I have ignored God's incessant tugging.
Now I'm feeling and it's what I want to feel. Floods of emotions overwhelm and warm me in this frigid winter season, in which is typically empty, searching, yearning, stress, and turmoil.
I am avoiding what I have solely focused on consistently without much fail for the last year and a half. I have one lurking looming B -that haunts and was poor judgement from my ignorant "teacher" (if he could be called that)- in that last 6 semesters.
This semester.... I am struggling even receiving a B in my my 4 credit hour research class. This brain- not made for research. I cannot force my group to do shit for my "practice" class.
Can I please just go help kids now?? Can I please get paid $25,000 a year with my BASW now?? Can I be a broke social worker wearing old clothes because I can't afford new ones (NOT because my lack of style!) and either gaining or losing a significant amount of weight from the exhausting and depleting myself of my energy and giving it to kids and families who need it??
Do I REALLY need to write a research proposal? Because I am absolutely lacking in passion for it! I am not passionate about numbers and percentages, even if it is conducive to my knowledge of " " subject. I am interested and passionate about stories. Do I REALLY need to construct a proposal for MACRO social work and create a fake project/program?? Maybe? But I am out of drive for "fake" things.
I have never felt more real. I recognize and feel the interconnectedness all around me. In me. Through me. It uses me. I have never felt so content- thrilled really- to be used.
In 2 weeks:
* 25 page group paper & presentation on the create of our "program" & a 30 minute presentation to go with it.
* 15 page Advocacy project, which is fake bullshit, scrapping up whatever just for a grade because there is too much else whipping us in these grueling weeks
* An 10?? page research proposal (which is due in ohh 12 hours) in which I am completely utterly lost on how to methodically complete...Hmm, or begin for that matter. Again- lack of passion.
* A pre-final essay expressing my "knowledge on the PREPARE & IMAGINE papers (on each subject we have written/going to write 30 pages on... condense this how?)
* 3 "small" assignments to wrap up research & macro practive
* Take home final
* 3 in class finals... 2 of which are comprehensive... Ummm please remind me of what I am supposed to have comprehended??? Because I sure as hell don't know.
Papers and presentation due during DEAD WEEK... Whatever that means. And then papers and presentations the week OF finals week. hahaha.
Perfectionism.... Haunting me, but lacking the motivation to it fuel it. It is DEAD. My brain, still here. Still in tack. Still ever viciously churning. But part of it is ASLEEP. My drive. Oh it is there. Ever present. Pushing me. But it is not concerned with season of falsity. Falsity being the lack of application or tangible practice occurring with this school stuff. I want to keep my GPA at a 3.97. I would love to raise it to a 3.99. I will cry when I get a B this semester. I will beat myself up and say why did I put this off, or why didn't I try harder. Or what is wrong with my dumb brain. I may act like a child and pout and stomp around. But in the grand scheme... I have grown a lot this semester. This dead week will not be the death of me.
I will pray. I will seek. I will stop letting my mind drift and wonder with beautiful distractions. Perhaps the healthiest distractions I have ever encountered. No. for this last week- 7 days- 168 hours. I am going to focus on the tasks at hand. One at a time. Praying in between and during.
BLAH
No more complaining. It fuels the negativity and apathy. I cannot risk instillation of more apathy.
No more getting lost in that mental Bermuda triangle in my head.
NEED: Everyone to prettttyyyy much leave me alone for the next 168 hours. I wanna help and listen and be there. But I need to focus. I need to not talk and complain and vent. Venting is not always healthy. Need to go to my bubble. Put on my headphone and tune out- zone out. I am actually incredibly great at that. I can use my old negative coping mechanism as a positive current utilization of skill. The skill to zone out and disappear into my own.
NEED: My boyfriend to love me through this time of ugliness (physically & personality wise).
NEED: Pray & believe
NEED: Supernatural motivation. Supernatural intervention of time. Supernatural peace. Supernatural intervention. And supernatural belief that I can do this with Him
NEED: Get through these next 168 hours.
Sometimes I do not know if I am getting goose bumps from the chill or from a strong shift of emotion. I get a "butterfly heart" when I know God is moving, when I know He is communicating with me to move, act, or saying, "Mary this is you! Do it! You know I want you to act."
As a social worker... I totally understand this. It's been so long since something more important has tried to take my attention -- so that I don't understand completely. But I appreciate it. What you need to remind yourself (write it on your mirror, maryliz) every day until this is over is that to be able to do your job, to be able to help, to be able to be effective... you have to learn this. It wont be your job later on in life. You wont write grants or advocate on a macro level. But you will work side by side with people who will. And you need them. You will be faced with a problem that will require you to utilize your resources. And sometimes those resources are found in research. Take a deep breath. Reframe. Take a step back and look at these next 168 hours and say, "I don't like this. But I am stronger than this. And I will take this seemingly useless material and have the power to rework it. To use it to my own benefit. I am stronger than this."
ReplyDeleteAh, Anna V. Another reason we are friends :)Good timing for me to read this comment!...As I am working on my macro paper current. Trying to establish fake objectives for my fake goals for my fake agency- lol.
ReplyDeleteI needed a reminder of my strength. WE are stronger than "x"...
<3