New Vision, pealing the "epidermic shell"

I felt God in every way today. I felt His "yeses" and His "nos".... I felt His love. I felt His joy. I smelled Him in the fall air. My lungs were filled and cleansed. I sensed Him in the intense wind. I felt stronger. The wind wrapped all around me; all encompassing, all consuming. An embrace. Empowered by it.
I don't deserve the freedom I gained today. I don't deserve this person. I honestly don't even deserve my dreams being met. But my life is moving in that direction.... I am conscious of it, yet I'm awaiting the awakening... Awakened to reality, that this is not real and it was all a cruel sick joke. It was the slap in the face I needed, the "almost" grasping feeling something more than I've felt in I don't know how long, but all in vain; in order to be stripped away in a mocking manner; giving me a touch of happiness so the stripping away would be even more painful. *I REBUKE YOU SATAN*

Today.... Wow... What a contradiction occurring. What a necessary cleansing process I am experiencing right now. Since last night it was as if I got new contacts. My eyes are re-altered....
The guilt, fear, and slight pain, however, is the only thing hindering me. There is this lurking darkness, yet right now it cannot overshadow my light....

Light's undeniable
Well. lit. eyes.
Deemed un-tie-able
Can't. stay. down.


Yes, I feel the tugging 
Won't. let. go.
I know it's You nudging
Know. that. touch.


My freedom seems certain
Speak. the. truth.
Open another curtain
Yes. it's. You.


Appealing compromises
No. Truth. found.
Nonredeemable "prizes" 
Re.buke. you.


The wind whipping through me
Breath. filled. lungs.
Swirling into Your arms
Held. so. tight.


Beyond words He speaks
Close. my. eyes.
Butterfly heart makes me weak 
Here. I. come.

**I have taken one of the most difficult steps I've ever stepped. Letting go. Beyond uncomfortable. Change. I hate it. I am adventurous, but I hate change. I am finally willing. I don't understand why I received such fast results??... Is this real? Pinch me. Am I awake? Is this what I've been waiting for? Does this explain the pain I've endured? Am I hoping in vain? Am I listening? Ah, yes... The butterfly heart expanded over my whole body today... It has moved into my soul. I yearn to hear Him. I want what He has planned. I don't wanna cower down in "His presence." I want more. Please I pray don't let me go back! Is this it? Is this the joy? Is there more? I feel the pain pealing off of me like a covering I have been wearing for way too long- years. Perhaps my whole life... This shell had become so skin tight I was suffocating. My being could not breathe. My eyes have been frozen, vision obscured, altered. Aching ears, filled with clouded noise. By having this covering, this skin tight translucent epidermic "shell", captured my ears. I have been lost in my head. Lost in the world, blocking myself from guidance. The wind pealed off part of my epidermic shell. It falls to the ground, crumbling with the leaves. My friends and family gently patted more of it away. Eyes closed. Hands reached palms up toward the sky. I felt You. My skin, finally slightly exposed, could feel. My body reacted. My mind retreated in the best way possible. I only heard the laughter of children- my nieces and nephews, in combination with the meticulous manner the leaves were whipped off the trees and crashed so softly onto my exposed face. I smiled.... An inner smile, an outer smile, an unforced smile, and involuntary smile. It overtook me, creeping up the sides of my face.... Creeping into my heart. I surrendered. My face, fully flexed, with no effort, into a maximum smile of peace. Eyes still closed. Face upward to the sky. Feeling everything. Feeling everything that God has been wanting me to feel. I laughed ever so slightly. Opened my eyes, slowly turned my heads watching my beautiful family of kids play in the leaves with a soccer ball. Beautiful; what a meager word in this instance. No one can ever steal this moment from me. Embraced by my God, my Friend, my Savior, simply by the nature and rawness around me.
Here I Am. Exposed skin, producing new vision.**