As Doubt Creeps In....

The darkness desperately tries to creep back in. Doubt wants me back. It wants me for the keeping. It wants to find a home in me; It finds the space between- where muscle meets nerve. It seeps in. Slithering through, attempting to terminate: seeking to steal, kill, & destroy.

Those lurking, looming, dooming, haunting, torturing thoughts attempt to return. They comes in waves. Overbearing waves. Deafening waves. So powerful they knock the air from my chest. Conquer motivation. But his face, actions, touch, & love contradict them. But in those moments it's hard to see anything else. Why me? Finally asking this question in an opposite fashion. I don't deserve this. Not begging the question from inward pain, but happiness- joy.

I see his face. & I see His face in him. I feel the love & appreciation- seemingly unconditional & irrevocable.

I can't help but wonder... That dark doubt beckons me in its condescending tone, "Oh Mary, why you honey? Don't you see? Don't you see reality in those quick glances you take in the mirror? Oh blind Mary, this cannot be real for you!! Look at this man! He is the epitome of loveliness & goodness. The combination of everything you have ever wanted! He is the epitome of what sooo many girls want- girls who look better than you- smaller than you- more at peace than you- purer than you- more confident than you- accomplished more than you. The girls that can lure any man in with their eyes... Oh silly Mary, you have done so many things wrong. You are not pretty enough for this! You are not fit enough, small enough, or built correctly. Oh, what? But he says you're perfect? He says you're perfect for him? Haven't you heard it before? Didn't you think they meant it? Didn't those guys cheat on you or take back 'I love you' with ease? Those guys wanted to marry you too!" The laugh is daunting. Mocking. Hot tears. Steaming tears. Burning heart...

No!

I know he is different. I feel it from every depth of my being. I know it as sure as I am aware my own existence. 

But the darkness does not give up that easily. When I look into what I see as perfection, I am made aware of myself- I see my own face reflecting in his dark, beautiful, illuminated eyes. I am made very aware of the contradiction. Giving the darkness an opening, "Mary! You can plainly visualize the contradiction before you! You idiot! Look at this man! Can you imagine what the girls look like he's dated? You've stumbled on a picture or two. She is skinny. You are not. You know things haven't turned out like you've wanted in the past. Why would you think he could want you forever? Why would you think you could stand next to him? Ha!! And really Mary? You think after all you have done wrong in relationships- sex. cheating. lying. the lack of trust. the number of times you've been cheated on. disobedience. all the times you have stayed, sedimentary, and not listened to God. all the times you ignored Him and did what you wanted to do. the ways you have fallen into the world! EVEN recently!! What makes you think after taking one or two steps in the right direction God would grant you THIS magnitude of goodness- this lifetime of joy?"

Because my Father loves me. Truth rings truer than doubt. Yes, I feel these dark thoughts all over me. I feel them stabbing me, all but stealing my very breath. But there is so much I feel that's stronger, so much I feel more intently than all the doubt. I see truth all over him- in touch, look, and actions. I feel the meaning behind his words. I know the meaning in what He has for me...
Now it begins to unfold. Somehow fitting- the breaks in the past explain the restoration, freedom, & peace I am now experiencing.

Prayer is what I will utilize from now on. Prayer & believing defeat doubt. All through obedience. Allowing myself to feel touch and love will slowly silence the dark & shadowy words, fears, thoughts and feelings.

I'm still not sure I deserve him. Still know I am unworthy of this soul piercing joy- this constant, steadfast smile that literally makes my face sore and my body plainly weak- this laughter that is all consuming, like an echo within me, filling every empty space.... The doubt wants to steal it. It is jealous of this unfamiliar joy. I have never been more thankful. I see it clearly now. And doubt cannot take this from me. This is my dream, which is my reality. My love, which is ready to give correctly. My body, which is not everything. My heart, which is not focused on being mended, but on the fullness it is feeling right now. God reminds me again: "Maybe you think you don't deserve him, but what if he deserves you..."

GOODBYE DOUBT. I BID YOU FAREWELL. Adieu!