No guilt in this smile

For the first time in.... I don't know how long, I took a steaming hot shower without crying or feeling "the burden."
For the first time, instead of the intense, burning, boiling heat being an allotment for tears to be shed, it was simply a hot shower, washing away my day. Washing away my sweat- from my run. I could feel the heat in my muscles. It felt good. Invigorating. Rejuvenating. I earned that damn shower.
For the first time in... maybe ever.... I did not even consider turning the lights off. I didn't look in mirror with any sort of satisfaction. I barely glanced in this mirror that constantly lurks and haunts. But I didn't allow too much time.. Ha, I never want too much time with the mirror. However, my 2nd naked encounter with the mirror today only involved one instance of sucking in and one quick giggle. This was a "positive" encounter...
I have officially lost 27 pounds. I am still far from "happy." The dynamics of my body have slightly changed.. Finally.
Now... I am inspired though. I crave to attain those "things." So many "things." I am too busy & too driven- no room to selfishly, vainly, unsuccessfully, narrowly dwell on my body. My body carries me. It is something I have the ability to have much control over... It is me. I am not just this body. I am inspired now though to LIKE it. Ekk, scary. I have craved confidence from the depths of my being... Yet simultaneously the word has made me shutter. Another "thing" I don't deserve. I see now I have always perceived this word as a "curse word."
A "no-no." Something little humble, Mary- the lacker of self-esteem- should NOT attain, nor think of.


God has fueled me with a motivated fever; A yearning and striving for seeing the future (my WANTS) as tangible, attainable, and now are "will be's" & "whens", not "ifs" & "maybes." I WILL get married to the man of my dreams without settling. He will protect me, love me for who I am, and hold me because he wants to feel me and love on me not because I asked. I will marry a man that loves Jesus with all his heart and has an unmistakable light in his eyes. I will NOT run away b/c "I don't deserve this" or because "he is too good to want ME"... Oh no no...
This is what He has revealed to me... "Mary, my child, you think you do not deserve this man, nor this love. What about this man? Perhaps, he deserves you- this woman- and your love." Those words- that TRUTH has resounded in my mind, my head, my heart, my being repetitively. It makes me smile every time. Warm salty water fills the brim of my eyes.
I am a gift to another human? Ah, yes. I am a "giver". I love hard. I give abundantly. I will work for another's smile. I will put you before me. But the thing is... This man will not ask that of me. He won't let me.
Growing together in His will.. Ha it sounds funny. Sounds so corny. The truth sometimes is I suppose.

*Maybe you think you don't deserve this...But what if he does*