Anticipation: Connnecting all the dots

I know, technically, all the dots will never expose their full connection. And quite frankly, there are events. moments. decisions. happenings. I never want to imagine, picture or recognize even in order to visualize their connection. Yeah. I'm good.

However. I can see it now. The connections. The webs. The webs that can only actually be seen when the light shines on them in the just the right way.

Mmmm. A smile creeps upon my face slightly. Slowly. And truly. Ahh! I feel it. The energy of the connections. My Father chuckling lightly, face beaming as He looks upon my face light with even the slightest epiphany. He must be relishing in my joy. After all He is the cause of it. He created it. His light has allotted me to visualize the web, to the best ( & only necessity-level ) of my human ability.

I. Have. A. Purpose. In fact my purpose is plural. And another web will be revealed later. Ya know, the thing is... I don't even care to ask for it- with one eye squinted, hoping like a child- a visual of the web. I don't ask Him for how it's connected. Or WHY I am experiencing this/that/the other.
I TRUST HIM.
Maybe it's because it is all falling together. It's easy not to ask questions: "why" & "when" in the presence of such peace and joy and presence of mind. When the highest of earthly love is raining...Reigning upon me with such abundance.

I am so happy. I am thrilled. Excited. Beyond hopeful. Peaceful. Joyful. Confident to a certain meager extent (hey, it's better than before). I KNOW where I am about to be taken... Ah, and man.. Dude. I am ready for this ride.

Redirected

Sometimes we... I advert my eyes. This is when I do not want to face what is right in front of me. I do this frequently.
Even if a part of me wants to look... I don't fully. I will face that direction. But with my eyes closed. Or turn my head the appropriate way, with eyes adverted- fixated on something else. Narrowed. Focused. Squinted on something- anything far away. Something that's in the background. A backdrop. That's often where true beauty lies.
Sometimes we... I use anger. Bitterness is easy to utilize. To get mad at the small things. Easily annoyed. Perturbed. Even easily offended. Use my defenses to defuse... Or to fuse.

But when what is right in front of me is not ignored. When the depth of the picture is viewed.... All else fades. The anger. The years of heartache. The tears. The disappointments. The words. The "abuse." Did I mention anger? The failures that had been framed and hung on the wall. The control. The manipulation.

What about the love? The forgiveness. The attempts. The misunderstandings. What about MY manipulations? What about my attention seeking.

It makes me sick... What is hurt projected as bitterness and anger I have used to victimize myself. When I want to "take on the guilt"... I throw around "Oh this is what I did wrong, BUT..." There is always a "but." Always a reason I was mean (no other word here). An excuse. Victimize. What about "villainize"??

Time to not bring it up. Time to see what is in front of me. No longer averting my eyes. He is sick. It gets worse daily. No one sees it like I do. No one bears it like I do. No one internalizes it like I do. No one is trapped in it like I am. Not victimization there. Facts. Take him for the ball of anxiety and hurt and anger and loneliness he is and love him. Nurture him like I would any child.

Why isn't this an easy concept to grasp? Is it because the way his eyes narrow when he's angry- as if to hone in only on me. To look down upon me without looking into me? Or it is the stories she has told me about him? Is it the way I have ultimately been allotted the "caregiver" role? It is the past, present, or future?
Is it my guilt? Is it that I have watched this process for years. Is it because I laid in my bed crying 5 times a week- morning and night- wondering if he was going to cough himself to death- literally. Or is it that I envy him for not eating. Am I angry because he doesn't want food? He is skinny and I will never be? Is it all the times he has talked over me? Is it how I don't set my cup down right? ..... Is it deeper? Is it all of this?

Am I sad? angry? confused? conflicted? Yes. But right now. I am sad. I am sorry. I am guilt-stricken. I am hurting. I am trying to swallow pride. And now I am going to pray.

Dead Week

There is nothing clever about this blog. No underlying meaning. No insightful parallels. No beautiful flow-etry of words... Just....

Oh no.
I'm avoiding school again. This time I am yearning to relish in my... happiness, joy, content, love. I want to just FEEL. I have shoved and stuffed feelings. I have ignored God's incessant tugging.
Now I'm feeling and it's what I want to feel. Floods of emotions overwhelm and warm me in this frigid winter season, in which is typically empty, searching, yearning, stress, and turmoil.
I am avoiding what I have solely focused on consistently without much fail for the last year and a half. I have one lurking looming B -that haunts and was poor judgement from my ignorant "teacher" (if he could be called that)- in that last 6 semesters.
This semester.... I am struggling even receiving a B in my my 4 credit hour research class. This brain- not made for research. I cannot force my group to do shit for my "practice" class.

Can I please just go help kids now?? Can I please get paid $25,000 a year with my BASW now?? Can I be a broke social worker wearing old clothes because I can't afford new ones (NOT because my lack of style!) and either gaining or losing a significant amount of weight from the exhausting and depleting myself of my energy and giving it to kids and families who need it??
Do I REALLY need to write a research proposal? Because I am absolutely lacking in passion for it! I am not passionate about numbers and percentages, even if it is conducive to my knowledge of " " subject. I am interested and passionate about stories. Do I REALLY need to construct a proposal for MACRO social work  and create a fake project/program?? Maybe? But I am out of drive for "fake" things.

I have never felt more real. I recognize and feel the interconnectedness all around me. In me. Through me. It uses me. I have never felt so content- thrilled really- to be used.

In 2 weeks:
* 25 page group paper & presentation on the create of our "program" & a 30 minute presentation to go with it.
* 15 page Advocacy project, which is fake bullshit, scrapping up whatever just for a grade because there is too much else whipping us in these grueling weeks
* An 10?? page research proposal (which is due in ohh 12 hours) in which I am completely utterly lost on how to methodically complete...Hmm, or begin for that matter. Again- lack of passion.
* A pre-final essay expressing my "knowledge on the PREPARE & IMAGINE papers (on each subject we have written/going to write 30 pages on... condense this how?)
* 3 "small" assignments to wrap up research & macro practive
* Take home final
* 3 in class finals... 2 of which are comprehensive... Ummm please remind me of what I am supposed to have comprehended??? Because I sure as hell don't know.

Papers and presentation due during DEAD WEEK... Whatever that means. And then papers and presentations the week OF finals week. hahaha.

Perfectionism.... Haunting me, but lacking the motivation to it fuel it. It is DEAD. My brain, still here. Still in tack. Still ever viciously churning. But part of it is ASLEEP. My drive. Oh it is there. Ever present. Pushing me. But it is not concerned with season of falsity. Falsity being the lack of application or tangible practice occurring with this school stuff. I want to keep my GPA at a 3.97. I would love to raise it to a 3.99. I will cry when I get a B this semester. I will beat myself up and say why did I put this off, or why didn't I try harder. Or what is wrong with my dumb brain. I may act like a child and pout and stomp around. But in the grand scheme... I have grown a lot this semester. This dead week will not be the death of me.

I will pray. I will seek. I will stop letting my mind drift and wonder with beautiful distractions. Perhaps the healthiest distractions I have ever encountered. No. for this last week- 7 days- 168 hours. I am going to focus on the tasks at hand. One at a time. Praying in between and during.
BLAH
No more complaining. It fuels the negativity and apathy. I cannot risk instillation of more apathy.
No more getting lost in that mental Bermuda triangle in my head.

NEED: Everyone to prettttyyyy much leave me alone for the next 168 hours. I wanna help and listen and be there. But I need to focus. I need to not talk and complain and vent. Venting is not always healthy. Need to go to my bubble. Put on my headphone and tune out- zone out. I am actually incredibly great at that. I can use my old negative coping mechanism as a positive current utilization of skill. The skill to zone out and disappear into my own.
NEED: My boyfriend to love me through this time of ugliness (physically & personality wise).
NEED: Pray & believe
NEED: Supernatural motivation. Supernatural intervention of time. Supernatural peace. Supernatural intervention. And supernatural belief that I can do this with Him
NEED: Get through these next 168 hours.

I just found this poem!! From when I finally reestablished my relationship with God after totaling my & receiving my 2nd DUI from <2009>

ALIVE 

(12/29/09)

Sin tented lenses

Reveal the real me

Everything tenses

But now I can see

Elevate my emotions

Escape my own thoughts

As my soul reopens

Loosening all the knots!

Now I run to You

Not worthy of this

You see my heart through,

Not merely exist               

Free from that burden

Those shadows You’ve slain

You’re love is certain

Even through my pain

Exposed and unsure

You build me back up

Mending what I tore

You cannot corrupt

Reshape and remold

Take me I am Yours

Ready to unfold

To You my soul pours

You are everything

All else fades away

Only You remain

Decaying dismay

Guide my every step

Though tough to revive

I’m alive, I’m alive!

As Doubt Creeps In....

The darkness desperately tries to creep back in. Doubt wants me back. It wants me for the keeping. It wants to find a home in me; It finds the space between- where muscle meets nerve. It seeps in. Slithering through, attempting to terminate: seeking to steal, kill, & destroy.

Those lurking, looming, dooming, haunting, torturing thoughts attempt to return. They comes in waves. Overbearing waves. Deafening waves. So powerful they knock the air from my chest. Conquer motivation. But his face, actions, touch, & love contradict them. But in those moments it's hard to see anything else. Why me? Finally asking this question in an opposite fashion. I don't deserve this. Not begging the question from inward pain, but happiness- joy.

I see his face. & I see His face in him. I feel the love & appreciation- seemingly unconditional & irrevocable.

I can't help but wonder... That dark doubt beckons me in its condescending tone, "Oh Mary, why you honey? Don't you see? Don't you see reality in those quick glances you take in the mirror? Oh blind Mary, this cannot be real for you!! Look at this man! He is the epitome of loveliness & goodness. The combination of everything you have ever wanted! He is the epitome of what sooo many girls want- girls who look better than you- smaller than you- more at peace than you- purer than you- more confident than you- accomplished more than you. The girls that can lure any man in with their eyes... Oh silly Mary, you have done so many things wrong. You are not pretty enough for this! You are not fit enough, small enough, or built correctly. Oh, what? But he says you're perfect? He says you're perfect for him? Haven't you heard it before? Didn't you think they meant it? Didn't those guys cheat on you or take back 'I love you' with ease? Those guys wanted to marry you too!" The laugh is daunting. Mocking. Hot tears. Steaming tears. Burning heart...

No!

I know he is different. I feel it from every depth of my being. I know it as sure as I am aware my own existence. 

But the darkness does not give up that easily. When I look into what I see as perfection, I am made aware of myself- I see my own face reflecting in his dark, beautiful, illuminated eyes. I am made very aware of the contradiction. Giving the darkness an opening, "Mary! You can plainly visualize the contradiction before you! You idiot! Look at this man! Can you imagine what the girls look like he's dated? You've stumbled on a picture or two. She is skinny. You are not. You know things haven't turned out like you've wanted in the past. Why would you think he could want you forever? Why would you think you could stand next to him? Ha!! And really Mary? You think after all you have done wrong in relationships- sex. cheating. lying. the lack of trust. the number of times you've been cheated on. disobedience. all the times you have stayed, sedimentary, and not listened to God. all the times you ignored Him and did what you wanted to do. the ways you have fallen into the world! EVEN recently!! What makes you think after taking one or two steps in the right direction God would grant you THIS magnitude of goodness- this lifetime of joy?"

Because my Father loves me. Truth rings truer than doubt. Yes, I feel these dark thoughts all over me. I feel them stabbing me, all but stealing my very breath. But there is so much I feel that's stronger, so much I feel more intently than all the doubt. I see truth all over him- in touch, look, and actions. I feel the meaning behind his words. I know the meaning in what He has for me...
Now it begins to unfold. Somehow fitting- the breaks in the past explain the restoration, freedom, & peace I am now experiencing.

Prayer is what I will utilize from now on. Prayer & believing defeat doubt. All through obedience. Allowing myself to feel touch and love will slowly silence the dark & shadowy words, fears, thoughts and feelings.

I'm still not sure I deserve him. Still know I am unworthy of this soul piercing joy- this constant, steadfast smile that literally makes my face sore and my body plainly weak- this laughter that is all consuming, like an echo within me, filling every empty space.... The doubt wants to steal it. It is jealous of this unfamiliar joy. I have never been more thankful. I see it clearly now. And doubt cannot take this from me. This is my dream, which is my reality. My love, which is ready to give correctly. My body, which is not everything. My heart, which is not focused on being mended, but on the fullness it is feeling right now. God reminds me again: "Maybe you think you don't deserve him, but what if he deserves you..."

GOODBYE DOUBT. I BID YOU FAREWELL. Adieu! 

You

Impossible to begin
Describing what has no end
Your eyes tell me forever...


How do I describe this? Words are so inadequate when it comes to you. I am definitely not at a loss for words, but at a loss for adequate words. What human word could I start with in attempt to come close to touching on the subject of you... and the emotions flooding over me? Joy. Hmm, overused. Hope. Same problem. But both ring so true right now. It's like I am feeling those feelings for the first time. As if I finallyyy comprehend the actual meaning.


I have never known what it feels like to have a man, a guy, a boy, a dude (who is not my family) touch me with no ulterior motivation... With no "goal." I have never felt a touch from a male without feeling a motive... External motive. Particularly sexual. For the first time, I felt a touch, touches- incessant touches- with intent. An intent to touch and just that. An intentional, deliberate touch. Goal- to feel my skin. Goal- to say "I'm here." Goal- to express appreciation. Goal- compassion. The way you touch... <sigh> It's the personification of ones' "happy place." I go there without having to go there when I feel the purpose of your finger tips. My skin reacts. My skin feels nourished; soft & strong ... Rejuvenated & real ...


Peace. Serenity. Immediate and instinctive reaction from your touch. From your eyes. From your smile. Infectious. You expel infinite positive energy that  penetrates the very soul of everyone who encounters you. I see it. I feel it. Your eyes... Dark eye lashes, that curl ever so slightly, perfectly lining your expressively deep eyes, expressing and giving insight into your thoughts, your heart. The truth is in your eyes. Everyone can see it. In turn, you look into me with those *eyes* Not through me, not even necessarily "at" me. But into me. As if to say looking "at me" isn't enough. You see me. I feel it. I love it. I see it back. I see you. Your eyes speak love. Warmth. Compassion. Drive. Determination. Those eyes- say what you know and what you crave. I see His love in you. You show it without even knowing it. Intent reflects from your dark, kind eyes. So deep, with so much to say. Your eyes speak for you more than you know. When your distracted, in thought, feeling loved or admiring. They show when you are watching someone intently, observing or about to fall asleep- aka: "day dreaming." :) They are unforgivably honest.


Your presence radiates peace. Your spirit is exuberant and beyond contagious. Everyone is drawn to you, wants closer, wants in. Your mere presence is like medication to those around you. You inspire. I feel it, I see it.


Strength is as a part of your being as your heart or your lungs. Strength in every sense of the word. Strength in your physical being. Your muscles. Ah. Solid. You stand firm- literally and figuratively. That is one of the most attractive things about you. Your physicality parallels your spirit :) 
You expel surety over me. I love it. I have never felt so safe, so secure and protected. Protected from physical harm, while safely shielding my heart with your meticulous care. Your strength resonates and encourages. It motivates you. Which motivates me. The strength is not a stand alone strength, but the gift given kind. The best kind. The strength only He can produce. You stand so firm.
When you hold me up against you... In your arms, against your chest.. Even holding your hand. In these moments I can't be touched. Can't be harmed or broken. I feel every ounce of love you have in you. You don't hold me in vain. You don't stand firm without meaning. You are protective without cause.


I see it in your sweat. You do everything 100%... The movement of your body, your muscles- So fit- determination in your face, reflection in your eyes. Unwavering.


You notice. You notice the details in people. You see what is beyond the surface. Intuition and intentional observation. All this I can relate to :) This I appreciate. You say what I'm thinking before I can form the words. Sometimes I feel as if we are seeing with the same eyes. Internalizing the same visions and interpreting the same thoughts!


... God is the BEST MATCH MAKER!! Is He not??? :)


Respect for me is not just words coming out of your mouth, or opening a door for me, but further- deeper than that! I can feel your respect physically in the ways- the many ways you touch me & in the ways you don't touch me. I see the deliberate respect presented in every movement when your around me and I don't doubt the respect is continued when you aren't around me. I feel it in your soft speech. In your every move. I see it in your intentions for me. For you. For your family. For your future family. 


I see the way you look at kids... Life is brought to your eyes just like mine. 


*YOU MELT MY HEART! My heart was made for you to melt it. Our hearts fit. At any given moment my body reacts to you. Heart racing. Body warm. Eyes wet. Knees weak. Face flushed. I didn't know hope could be felt physically. And love could provide hope... And physical healing along with an emotional and spiritual healing.




I am so deeply, madly in love with you. There is no doubt. Doubt has remained ever-present in my life, but not with you. Doubt has escaped me and I am letting it go, gladly. I have literally never felt anything so sure. I know God put us together. I am beyond thankful. I have thanked Him incessantly. I love you, Jamere.........




*Where have you been hiding?? Where have you been all my life? I do not doubt God's perfect timing. I don't even question it. But I can't help but wonder about the overwhelming amount of heart ache that could have been saved if I had only met you first. If I could have saved my all for you. My heart, my body... And yet, I did. There is an overwhelming appreciation I have for you. The amount of hurt I have experienced is exhausting. For almost 11 years I have endured heart ache from the opposite sex. I have been hurt, used, unappreciated (understatement), cheated, lied to, mocked, played... I even tried to do the same back. A bitterness and hardness persuasively attempted to overtake my heart. It knocked relentlessly at the doors of my heart. I pretended to let others in. Little did they know about the hard coated shell of my heart. The outside of my heart began to harden a little; enough. Just enough to promote protection. Just enough to have the upper hand. Just enough to prevent myself from feeling to the full extent I used to. But not enough to shut out. My heart was waiting for you. You melted it swiftly. I felt the warmth of- the feeling in- my finger tips and toes for the first time in.. a long time. The outer coating of my heart had begun to effect my whole body without me knowing. BUT, the contrast was imminently clear. The contrast of the cold versus warmth I could feel instantaneously. Penetratingly. I felt my body shift; give in without permission. Give in involuntarily. There was no fight in me. There is no fight in me against this. There is no fight against this. It's as if I don't even need mending. All the pain. The balled up fists. The lurking frown. The doubts. The pain. The heartache. The betrayal. The turmoil. The disrespect. The stolen joy. The guilt. The self-loathing. The past. It all not only brought me here, but allotted this feeling; these emotions. If there was nothing to contrast it, to contradict it would I feel it the same? Maybe. But probably not. The appreciation, the gratitude for you... Recognizing that you are a rarity. A uniquely beautiful you :) My GIFT! In receiving a gift, it's not something one had previously, it's something someone needs/wants. I have never had anything remotely close to you. You are a direct contrast to what I have experienced, what I have seen what I have felt. You are the opposing force. God gave me you. 

No guilt in this smile

For the first time in.... I don't know how long, I took a steaming hot shower without crying or feeling "the burden."
For the first time, instead of the intense, burning, boiling heat being an allotment for tears to be shed, it was simply a hot shower, washing away my day. Washing away my sweat- from my run. I could feel the heat in my muscles. It felt good. Invigorating. Rejuvenating. I earned that damn shower.
For the first time in... maybe ever.... I did not even consider turning the lights off. I didn't look in mirror with any sort of satisfaction. I barely glanced in this mirror that constantly lurks and haunts. But I didn't allow too much time.. Ha, I never want too much time with the mirror. However, my 2nd naked encounter with the mirror today only involved one instance of sucking in and one quick giggle. This was a "positive" encounter...
I have officially lost 27 pounds. I am still far from "happy." The dynamics of my body have slightly changed.. Finally.
Now... I am inspired though. I crave to attain those "things." So many "things." I am too busy & too driven- no room to selfishly, vainly, unsuccessfully, narrowly dwell on my body. My body carries me. It is something I have the ability to have much control over... It is me. I am not just this body. I am inspired now though to LIKE it. Ekk, scary. I have craved confidence from the depths of my being... Yet simultaneously the word has made me shutter. Another "thing" I don't deserve. I see now I have always perceived this word as a "curse word."
A "no-no." Something little humble, Mary- the lacker of self-esteem- should NOT attain, nor think of.


God has fueled me with a motivated fever; A yearning and striving for seeing the future (my WANTS) as tangible, attainable, and now are "will be's" & "whens", not "ifs" & "maybes." I WILL get married to the man of my dreams without settling. He will protect me, love me for who I am, and hold me because he wants to feel me and love on me not because I asked. I will marry a man that loves Jesus with all his heart and has an unmistakable light in his eyes. I will NOT run away b/c "I don't deserve this" or because "he is too good to want ME"... Oh no no...
This is what He has revealed to me... "Mary, my child, you think you do not deserve this man, nor this love. What about this man? Perhaps, he deserves you- this woman- and your love." Those words- that TRUTH has resounded in my mind, my head, my heart, my being repetitively. It makes me smile every time. Warm salty water fills the brim of my eyes.
I am a gift to another human? Ah, yes. I am a "giver". I love hard. I give abundantly. I will work for another's smile. I will put you before me. But the thing is... This man will not ask that of me. He won't let me.
Growing together in His will.. Ha it sounds funny. Sounds so corny. The truth sometimes is I suppose.

*Maybe you think you don't deserve this...But what if he does*

New Vision, pealing the "epidermic shell"

I felt God in every way today. I felt His "yeses" and His "nos".... I felt His love. I felt His joy. I smelled Him in the fall air. My lungs were filled and cleansed. I sensed Him in the intense wind. I felt stronger. The wind wrapped all around me; all encompassing, all consuming. An embrace. Empowered by it.
I don't deserve the freedom I gained today. I don't deserve this person. I honestly don't even deserve my dreams being met. But my life is moving in that direction.... I am conscious of it, yet I'm awaiting the awakening... Awakened to reality, that this is not real and it was all a cruel sick joke. It was the slap in the face I needed, the "almost" grasping feeling something more than I've felt in I don't know how long, but all in vain; in order to be stripped away in a mocking manner; giving me a touch of happiness so the stripping away would be even more painful. *I REBUKE YOU SATAN*

Today.... Wow... What a contradiction occurring. What a necessary cleansing process I am experiencing right now. Since last night it was as if I got new contacts. My eyes are re-altered....
The guilt, fear, and slight pain, however, is the only thing hindering me. There is this lurking darkness, yet right now it cannot overshadow my light....

Light's undeniable
Well. lit. eyes.
Deemed un-tie-able
Can't. stay. down.


Yes, I feel the tugging 
Won't. let. go.
I know it's You nudging
Know. that. touch.


My freedom seems certain
Speak. the. truth.
Open another curtain
Yes. it's. You.


Appealing compromises
No. Truth. found.
Nonredeemable "prizes" 
Re.buke. you.


The wind whipping through me
Breath. filled. lungs.
Swirling into Your arms
Held. so. tight.


Beyond words He speaks
Close. my. eyes.
Butterfly heart makes me weak 
Here. I. come.

**I have taken one of the most difficult steps I've ever stepped. Letting go. Beyond uncomfortable. Change. I hate it. I am adventurous, but I hate change. I am finally willing. I don't understand why I received such fast results??... Is this real? Pinch me. Am I awake? Is this what I've been waiting for? Does this explain the pain I've endured? Am I hoping in vain? Am I listening? Ah, yes... The butterfly heart expanded over my whole body today... It has moved into my soul. I yearn to hear Him. I want what He has planned. I don't wanna cower down in "His presence." I want more. Please I pray don't let me go back! Is this it? Is this the joy? Is there more? I feel the pain pealing off of me like a covering I have been wearing for way too long- years. Perhaps my whole life... This shell had become so skin tight I was suffocating. My being could not breathe. My eyes have been frozen, vision obscured, altered. Aching ears, filled with clouded noise. By having this covering, this skin tight translucent epidermic "shell", captured my ears. I have been lost in my head. Lost in the world, blocking myself from guidance. The wind pealed off part of my epidermic shell. It falls to the ground, crumbling with the leaves. My friends and family gently patted more of it away. Eyes closed. Hands reached palms up toward the sky. I felt You. My skin, finally slightly exposed, could feel. My body reacted. My mind retreated in the best way possible. I only heard the laughter of children- my nieces and nephews, in combination with the meticulous manner the leaves were whipped off the trees and crashed so softly onto my exposed face. I smiled.... An inner smile, an outer smile, an unforced smile, and involuntary smile. It overtook me, creeping up the sides of my face.... Creeping into my heart. I surrendered. My face, fully flexed, with no effort, into a maximum smile of peace. Eyes still closed. Face upward to the sky. Feeling everything. Feeling everything that God has been wanting me to feel. I laughed ever so slightly. Opened my eyes, slowly turned my heads watching my beautiful family of kids play in the leaves with a soccer ball. Beautiful; what a meager word in this instance. No one can ever steal this moment from me. Embraced by my God, my Friend, my Savior, simply by the nature and rawness around me.
Here I Am. Exposed skin, producing new vision.**

Tired Poem

October 2011

My Heart had Been Misplaced

Funny how when we begin a relationship we can be blinded... Seeing what we want to see, ignoring what we are aware of. As humans we deeply desire companionship and for someone to love us. Adoration from another somehow equates meaning of self at times, at least in the moment.

Written with "hope" June/2011:

My Heart had Been Misplaced

Odd to reminisce on pain

When my heart has been recovered

No room to be contained

Simply ready to be uncovered

But my heart had been misplaced

Unready to be retrieved

Yet the fears you have erased

Unadmitably I believe

Hope; I’m tired of suppressing

Never felt it quite like this

Not effects I’m used to confessing

Submission, hope insists

Failed attempts to repress,

More than emotions inside me

Impossible to feel less

Being vulnerable feels so free

The words don’t come easy

But feeling is easy with you

Because you have released me

Through everything you do

Too intense for words to explain

And a smile does not suffice

Those words I can’t find contradict pain

And for that there is no price

Effortless to see into you

Because everything’s so bright

Like something I already knew,

There’s nothing that could be more right

I come to you slightly damaged

Though not your job, you restore

I am difficult to manage

 But your eyes say I’ll hurt no more

When you look at me you see me

Not simply looking through

I was holding out the key

Perhaps I already knew

I grant you access to my heart

I feel like it’s just been found

Take it all, please leave behind no part

And the walls are falling down

So there you are with your new key

And my tears know this is real

Nothing to fake; content to just be

Finally have consent to feel

New lenses over my eyes

A new perception to perceive

Accept truth, contradict lies

Life’s at the right place to believe

No metaphor to apply

To explain the way you love me

No appropriate reply

To express what it is I see

Have I not known you my whole life?

Incessant smile all along

Swear I don’t believe I thought twice

No doubt you are where I belong

I could write to you forever

Infinite pages, infinite theme

Nothing on earth could be better

Keep waiting to awake from my dream

Mary Potts          6/2011

Shower with the Lights Off

I believe this may be the only time when a blank page is truly intimidating. When I am so infuriated with the words I cannot find to even properly articulate the way I feel. I misplace my anger towards this page. Pecking hard at the keys. Unfulfilled and unsatisfied with my pecking. I have to get it out of me. I feel as if "it" is strangling me. Cold long dark fingers lurk around my neck. Threatening. Silencing. Tightening. How do I loosen the grasp? How do I not empower "it?"


*avoidance* & *failure*
Avoiding the mirror. Damn piece of glass. Head hung in shame. Walking around; defeated. The word failure haunts me. Merely typing the words pierces me. Another jab. Failure covers a multitude of areas for me; all encompassing. I am specifically fixated on one particular "failure." It haunts my every waking moment. It eats away at "normalcy." It conquers happiness and even simple content.
Poison to my soul, heart, mind and body. It's the enemy right? Destruction at its finest.... "Girl Slowly Destroys Herself" I don't want that as my headline. I have let this self-defeatist attitude and thought process RULE ME. It hinders school, soccer, my health, my willingness to step out and try new things. I am so terrified of failure that I avoid... Avoid a multitude of "things." If I just don't put myself out there and and 'try' then it's not only not "scary," but there is no "failing" (this is also cowardice and stupid- for lack of a better word).. And failure following giving an earnest effort... Now that is a reflection of self right? Perhaps not, but that's how my distorted mind processes and internalizes.

*flaws*
Fixated on every flaw. At any given moment I can spit out an abundance of flaws. Physical flaws are the easiest. The rest flow and reciprocate with no effort. It's cyclical and seemingly hopeless. Ahh, the thought of myself at times makes my stomach churn. I can go head to toe. Frizzy hair. Wide set nose, round face, dark unfading circles that can let you into too much of my life. Lack of an upper lip. Random achene that has appeared later in life. Thick eyebrows that need much attention to stay in shape. Arms.. My arms. Thick and big like a man. Lack of chest. No curve to my stomach, straight. A lower bulge, a tire. It fluctuates on a daily basis. A butt that could use some help. Legs with calves that are almost as big as my thick thighs. Ugly ass feet. Long toes. I AM EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!! Any reader is exhausted. Any person around me is exhausted with my self-hate. Even if I don't say it, they sense it, feel it. I hate being this way. What a selfish girl I am. I screamed so hard my lungs hurt yesterday. I needed to write immediately. But instead I prayed. Crying, gasping for air. I want God to take it! The pain. I felt it all as though every ounce of self-hate, guilt, and ugliness overtook me, sided together and began to devour me.


*tools*
Everything I have learned in treatment, every tool, every step I have overcome... It fades in times like this. "Whenever you look in the mirror do not start at your stomach and stay there. Start by looking at your pretty hair and into your eyes, then see the overall picture." How many times have I failed to "see the big picture"? Or better yet, ignored the big picture. I know these "tools" all too well. These tools help me get by. But ironically do not help the "big picture." I have found myself retreating. Reverting back to what I know. Oh, why is self-destruction so easy? 
Do you know what it feels like to be so discontent with yourself you avoid your own existence? I honestly do not understand the source of this.


*envy*
Envy... The epitome of my thoughts. Beauty is not something to behold for me... It is something to project anger on. It is the bane of content. It is the hindrance of my happy. I can find something in almost anyone to envy, with little to no effort. I hate -HATE- for anyone to be better than me at something, to look better than me in anyway. It is disgusting. If I see her, in her seeming perfect, I get sick. Sometimes I can feel my head spin. Face red with anger and embarrassment. I wanna get closer, but I don't want to get too close; diverting and forbidding the unfavorable comparison. Literally or figuratively standing up to my competition- It parades my flaws, my almosts, my lacks of, my shortcomings, my failures, my not good enoughs.... Once again, disgusting. Someone once told me that looking at someone beautiful and angrily envying them is like stealing from someone's beauty. Instead of being hateful toward them and yearning for what they have, appreciate something beautiful God made... Hmm, sounds nice. Makes the guilt heavier. Or when people say, "You are so blessed! You complain about your arms, at least you can use them!" I know I am blessed, thankful, and appreciative. I am actually well aware of the many many undeserving blessings God has bestowed on me. -Narcissistic-? Self absorption-? Yep. I know this too. All the more disgusting, huh? It is purely indescribable, like a literal weighted burden I carry around on me. Dwelling in my depths and constantly hovering. Sitting heavily on my shoulders and poison in my lungs. Sometimes it is hard to breathe. I desperately want confidence. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, literally. I want to feel my own skin without shuttering. I want to take a shower with the lights on. I want to look into the mirror. Right at myself, without cowering, frowning, or crying, but nod in approval... Or have NO thoughts at all! I want to breathe deeper and not have "it" sitting on my chest; those arms and fingers stretched and strangling. Sighhh, but right now, I cannot look at a girl with a small waist and not yearn for it. I hate, despise, disgust when I am not the prettiest, the best at something. Ah, again, disgusting.
A mere compliment seems like a lie; a mocking lie, that laughs at me. The laughter echoes. 




No Conclusion....
There is no conclusion I can write... Nothing except I am going to keep pushing forward with this. What a NEGATIVE blog. Now I have the poison somewhat articulated on paper... Now what? I guess we shall see. This subject will definitely not go untouched. Hoping for a positive turn...
-The Cynic

-Blank Page-

My outlet. My freedom. My safety net. My save haven. My frustration. My commitment. My non-commitment. My sounding board. My avoidance. My admittance.  My fear. My failure. My hope. My belief. My non-judgement. My communication. My lifeline. My "un-dealt." My love. My confession. My grief. My discoverer. My pain. My pleasure. My joy. My darkness. My go-to. My control. My loss of control. My thing to own. My page. My fingers. My pen. My keys. My words. My heart.


My gift.




My first-ever blog entry.